So this is twenty

Yesterday, I turned 20 years old.

(Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. I'm trying to get through all of the posts on facebook, and if I haven't thanked you yet, I promise I'm getting there!)

While birthdays don't mark major changes in a person's chemistry or personality or really anything at all beyond what number that person answers questions about age with. This birthday, I feel, may be bigger than that.



Twenty means I'm no longer a teenager. This is shocking to me. Yes, twenty means I'm no longer a teenager, and that means everything gets serious starting now.

I'm not saying that I've goofed off up until now - no, not at all, I think I've been pretty good about working hard and representing myself well - but there are all kinds of new expectations for me, both by others and by myself. College years are transformative years, everyone always told me, and these are the years where I will really begin to understand myself fully. I feel like I now know myself pretty well. I know what drives me and what brings me joy. I know what I don't like and I know how to handle a number of situations ranging from those which I'm ecstatic to be handling to those which I would rather be counting grains of sand on a beach. I do realize, though, that I have no idea what it is I want to do or be in the future.

Okay, that's a bit hyperbolized. I know what area of work I want to go into (or at least I've got it sort of narrowed down), I have a pretty good idea of what kind of person I am and what kind of person I want to be, and I've got a little bit of an understanding of how I can make sure those two identities become one.

What I mean, though, is that everything from here on out becomes incredibly difficult and high-risk, and what I say and do from now on is going to be what is recorded of me. I've been incredibly lucky to have a great support system, and I've made a number of mistakes from which I've tried my best to learn the most I possibly can. This safety net I've been provided all my life may not be there if I make a huge mistake in the future. In class, we are encouraged to explore the readings and the ideas associated with the course, and making mistakes is encouraged, but how do I know I'll have done all the exploring I need to do before I graduate when my views and opinions must be in line and with reason to back them? Discourse in the real world is nothing like discourse in the classroom, and the consequences of making a wrong statement or developing an incorrect conclusion are often very real and very strong.

This whole post seems very negative, I realize, but there's also all kinds of hope associated with this massive amount of change I'm going to be experiencing now.

All of this worry and responsibility, of course, comes from the independence that comes with becoming my own person. I've had two amazing years at Davidson and I have grown a lot. I feel like I may be on the edge of becoming a person who is able to make his own decisions in a smart and thoughtful way, and I wouldn't have been able to say that with confidence had I not been tested in some way.

It's important to realize, I think, that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and, as I begin to take full responsibly for every word and deed I say or do, even all of the bad things that might happen to me will still have their silver linings. Every test is a chance to learn something about the world and about myself, and I want to face these challenges with a smile and a light heart.

All of the people in my life so far have, in ways large and small, equipped me with these two tools, and I can go forward in faith and say I know that no matter what comes my way, I will be able to overcome it and make it to the next trial.